What Shows Up

Cell Phone Photos - ALL 169The “job search” continues.  About 40 resumes have been emailed since my lay off last month.  On most days, I cruise CareerBuilder and Monster, possibly Craigslist, looking for a couple of new opportunities.  I’ve submitted a bunch of applications directly online at company websites.  I updated my LinkedIn profile . I registered at CalJobs.  So I’m legit.

(Side note: I made an interesting discovery:  I’m now considered “disabled” in the job market, because of having a past diagnosis of cancer. Me?  Really?)

Anyway, I’m doing all the right things – mechanically….

But my heart isn’t in it.  Far from it.  The thought of returning to the 8 to 5 grind, sitting at a desk in an office all day, just doesn’t excite me in the least – no matter how “awesome” the work itself was. Even thinking about it, I start feeling stressed out.

Since this whole crazy trip began a year ago, I felt Something New calling to me at the end of my breast cancer journey.  Something so totally different, I wouldn’t recognize my life at first.  I believed this message with my whole heart….as in a “God Told Me So” way.  It helped me get through 4 months of chemotherapy.  It kept me going through 35 days of radiation.  It was my LIGHT at the end of long, black tunnel.  Daily I would affirm I could “do it” knowing “that” is waiting for me!

So applying for the same type of a job I’ve done for 4 decades feels grossly at cross purposes.  However, much like voting in the Presidential elections in November, it’s a necessary evil.  Especially when my heart is saying, “Oh hell NO!  Not this shit again!”

But I do it, to do the right thing with Unemployment.  I do it out of habit, a bit, too.  But more importantly,  I do it because I trust that the Universe is directing my steps. Each and every one of them.  I believe there are doors with my name on them, and they will open at just the right time, in just the right place, for my next career move.   That is….IF they open.

What if they don’t?  I haven’t received a single call from any of the places I’ve applied. A ton of calls from recruiters, staffing agencies and insurances agencies to be sure (is Insurance the new MLM scam?  What is up with them calling??)  But not a peep from the people I’ve sent my info to.  And that reminds me…

Closed Doors are answers, too, aren’t they?

That new life?  The one I was promised?  Maybe it doesn’t include a job like that at all!  Maybe that was the end of an era, as much as the end of a job.

Could it be I’ve actually (finally) arrived at those blessed years called “retirement”, quite by accident and certainly not in a way I was prepared for?  Could this be it?

Closed doors are answers, too.    What shows up IS the ‘answer’!

The other day I had an “aHa!” moment.  Take the whole B.C. issue away.  Just looking at my life, I realize I now have so many things I prayed for, for years and years.  All through the baby years.  All through the junior high and high school years.  All through marriages, divorces, births, deaths.  Now I have them, and all because I now have time.

TIME: Oh, blessed time.   It makes me giddy thinking about all the free time I have!  These days when I’m enjoying my quiet time or putzing in the morning, I don’t have to stop what I’m doing to get ready for work!  Sure, there’s the odd appointment now and then.  But by in large, I determine the times for those, for when they suit me.  I’m FREE! No one to answer to.  No one expecting me to be at their beck and call.  No resentment, frustration, stress.  I have all the time I need take walks, to cook, to read, to spend time with girlfriends, to take classes.  To NAP!

I have TIME to live and it’s fucking incredible!

No longer chained to a desk for 40 hours a week, my body is THRIVING on the movement it gets every day.  (who knew I naturally have a waistline and a little junk in my trunk!)

No longer having to report for duty at 8 a.m., whether or not I slept the night before, the dark circles under my eyes are gone and I look younger.

I don’t have to worry about missing work to take care of my grandson.  I can visit my elderly mom during the week.  I can cook up something for dinner earlier in the day, to have it all ready before I run out of steam.  I can have lunch with a friend at the spur of the moment, or attend a morning pottery class, or read a great novel.  My garden looks well tended.  My home is maintained.  I can rest when I’m tired, and eat when I’m hungry.

TIME – Rather than trying to squeeze my “real life” into stolen moments allowed around working My Job, my real life IS my life.  And I gotta tell ya. It’s taking some getting used to…this feeling of relaxation about my days, this easy flow, but I am.  I’m finally catching on  I’ve had a paradigm shift like having a kid is a paradigm shift.  Everything changes.

I am becoming that butterfly.  FINALLY! The free one.  The one with the beautiful wings.  The one that moves with ease and grace through her days. I’m just getting my coordinates, and I hardly recognize myself. But it’s time.

This is it.

Walking On

I woke early again this morning, not feeling well, and I knew my body was responding to the emotional energy that is moving inside and through and around me.

After a quiet time of meditation, prayer and tea, where I cried to release some of the pressure building in my chest, I decided to prepare something to eat.  And when I did, I surprised myself by BBQing a small steak I found, and baking a potato.  I ate both with relish, and – in the case of the root – a lot of butter. That it was 10:30 in the morning didn’t matter, and I felt better for eating something Earthy and grounding.

My plans for the day included a quiet Being rather than Doing, and I picked up my iPad, tapped the Gaia app, and was transported.  It was there I found this video, this gift.  I have now watched it several times and each time I do, I cry at the end.  Good tears.  Tears of love and gratitude.

Even without the stunning visuals, it contains such a powerful healing that I would swear it was written especially for me, and for this moment in particular.  That’s why I transcribed it below.  My hope is that you will find it as full of comfort and peace as I did.

Walk On – A Revelation on the Journey of Life
From “Graceful Passages” by Gary Malkin

Good morning, Grandfather,

I entered this life a ways back
and put skin on
to walk two-legged on this creation
and what a glorious time it was.

It taught me about breath
and about sense and feeling
and caring through my heart

and I walked on around that Red Road
Looking and trying to understand more
About The Mystery
And the secrets She holds

And You spoke to me
through the wind
and You sang to me through the birds
And You brought challenges forth
so that I might listen to the message You bring me
more sincerely

And I kept walking down this road…

And I came around the bend
at the middle of that curve in the road
and I began to find a secret
in the Spirit of myself

And still I walked on…

Sometimes blind and deaf
And sometimes with pain
But I fought with my fears
And I embraced my unknowingness

And still I walked on…

And as The Door of the Great Spirit World came closer
my fear loomed up inside sometimes
but Something called me forth
The Morning Star rose with each day
And my prayer became a centering

And still I walked on…

Until I began to hear the Song of the Mother
And Her arms embraced me so
That instead of walking
She carried me right to The Door
And as The Door opened
I heard Her Song
And Her Song lifted me up

So I could soar…

The Sky Inside Me

A random draw this morning from the Hope Cards I received as a gift....

A random draw this morning from the Hope Cards I received as a gift….

Today is my 59th birthday, and I’m giving myself a gift.

I’m deactivating my Facebook account.

I think I’ll wait until tomorrow, and start fresh on April Fools Day.  Seems appropo on so many levels.

The idea of leaving Facebook has been building for some time now.  Robert Ohotto planted the seed weeks ago as I was listening to his series on the Saturn in Sagittarius phase we’re in.  This 2 year transit began in December of 2014 and runs through December of 2017.  Interesting enough, my natal Saturn is in Sag, and my Second Saturn Return is also now in play.

Was it a coincidence that the breast cancer showed up in the same month this transit began?

Um, No.  Synchronicities, if we are paying attention, guide us.

One lesson emphasized in this phase is learning to say “NO” to one thing in order to say “YES!” to something else.  Saturn is giving us an opportunity to incarnate the next level of our potential, through the alchemical lens of TRUTH.  We’re in heavy turf here.

This is about Ego identity, and the Teacher has a shit load of questions:  Who do we really think we are, anyway?   How do we define success, and are we disciplined enough to get there?  Where are we most insecure and vulnerable to the criticisms of others?  What beliefs (perhaps, false beliefs) make us vulnerable, and what would make us stronger in that area?  In which ways have we repressed our growth, by holding our creativity hostage?

And (this is a biggy) do we sacrifice changing our lives in favor of the status-quo?

The jigs up. No more looking at life through rose-colored glasses.  No more hiding from our shadow alliances, our shadow agreements, our shadow esteem.

The Sheriff is in town and he has come to assist us into a new more authentic, more grown up and more responsible way of living.  This new potential comes from the Unknown of our life.  Which means we have to be willing to take risks to get there.

We are literally giving birth to a new self, and Saturn is here as our Coach urging us to breathe, to pace ourselves, and to remind us that we can do this if we are rigorously honest with ourselves and others.  TRUTH is the key.

What is True for me right now is that Facebook isn’t fun any more, and it really hasn’t been for some time. After analyzing this for weeks, I could give example after example for each reason.  But the bottom line is, I simply do not belong there – at least, not right now.  My psychic feelers are too sensitive.  I’m still bloodied and recovering from the Dark Night I just underwent.  I’m struggling to use the right filters when I want to comment or post – filters that help me speak the same language as others, without compromising my own truth.

The sky this morning at about the time I was born. The pattern looks a lot like the Hope Card I drew!

My 3rd eye is wide open and I can’t bear watching all the connecting being done through woundology.  This is part of this whole energy we’re in as well, with Chiron squared up as it is with Saturn.  All kinds of karmic hurts and past traumas are coming up in the Collective, and I find myself triggering people, and all manner of things are appearing – like when you lance a boil or pop a zit.

I am, after all, a Wounded Healer in my own right.  I just don’t go around talking about it, and haven’t for a good while.

It is possible, after all, to be too real and too raw.  Too honest.  No one invited me to call out their Bull Shit (FB trolls especially hate that).  This is “truth” as well, and one I’ve struggled with my whole life.  When to speak, what to speak, and when to keep my mouth shut.

I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my mouth shut most of the time.  I definitely see growth there.  But Channeling Saturn, playing The Shadow, holding up The Mirror, has resulted in a bit of an emotional train wreck for me – especially since all of this is happening in my 7th House of relationship, and on the heels of everything I’ve gone through this past year.

So, time to cut myself free.  Time to give myself an energetic detox, and get jiggy with my Fools’ Journey.  With Chiron in Pisces, there is a thick pea soup of feelings to wade through, and I need all my wits about me if I want to walk assuredly and not fall off the cliff.  Destiny is in play and I have a sense there are things inside of me that have never been tapped into before.  New potential.  New skills.  Who knows?  Maybe I’m a late bloomer like Van Gogh, and there’s a masterpiece wanting to make an appearance.  He’s one of my favorites and it just so happens we share the same birthday.  (Happy birthday,Vinny!)

Showing The Taskmaster I’m serious about freeing myself from the addiction of distraction is important, and Facebook is the last frontier.  Kicking the habit will not only be “good” for me, there’s a reward is waiting for me when I do.

Saturn is cool like that.

Creative pursuits are my healing modality of choice, and while I put sewing and crochet aside for now, I’m excited about the other things I’ve got going.  Monday morning starts a series of pottery classes (a birthday gift from  my husband ) and that’s awesome.  My first attempt at this class several years ago crashed and burned after only 2 sessions.  This time, I’m going the distance.

Last week  I signed up for a couple of online painting classes – one with Shiloh Sophia, the brilliance behind the artwork in one of my favorite decks – The Mother Mary Oracle. There’s a Vision Board calling my name, my little garden to tend, some tinctures I want to try my hand at, and a new career to uncover.

And something else that’s shown up and worth exploring – I’ve found myself doodling and hairdrawing as I journal in the morning.  It’s like the right side of my brain is all excited, which is pretty funny because my hair is literally growing in post-chemo with the Right Side lit up like a two-bit whore on a bottle of wine!  (Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up!)

Even the desire to write is making an appearance again, after being underground for a long while.  Who knows?  Maybe all those people were right last year who said to me, “You should write a book!”

Maybe.  Just maybe I will.

I Chose Me

il_570xN.557874558_aln1When I walked into The Boss’ office yesterday morning to pick up my pay, I could see he was down. I had called him Tuesday morning, after much angst, deliberation and a quick phone call to the Husband, and told him I wouldn’t be back.

So much for The New Job.

Turns out, after everything I’ve been through – after all of those months of seeking Divine Guidance and Strength –  I really just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that this New Job was where I was supposed to be.  The Old Woman had convinced me – by her very presence, if not by her words – that there was something more….something better….waiting for me.

Had I forgotten everything I went through last year?  Everything I learned? One of the main issues in my life – the one that manifested itself as a breast cancer last year – was my life long tendency to sacrifice myself to make others more comfortable, to make others feel good.  To make things easier for them.

I’ll never forget one morning shortly after the diagnosis.  I was sitting in bed reading “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” by Dr. Christiane Northrup when I read that as far back as the 1800s, the medical literature has noted associations between breast cancer and women with an “overdeveloped nurturance gland”.  (check!)  They have a tendency toward self sacrifice (check!), and are more apt to have a coping strategy characterized by engaging with the problem, confronting it, focusing on it, working on a plan, and lobbying for emotional support in the process. (check! check! CHECK!)

In other words…ME!

It was a huge ass Aha! Moment, and I broke down wept.  Like the woman in the book, I realized that I didn’t have to “get sick or to die in order to rest”.  Right then and there, I promised myself that I wouldn’t do that again.  I would live in balance.  I would take care of me…REALLY care for me.  And I would stop trying to Save The World.

And yet, here I was!  Faced with a job that was FAR from something  soul satisfying and fulfilling, it did meet my financial needs but that was it.  Sure, I could go in and  Save The Day.  I could see that I could have a huge impact for the better, and alleviate a lot of The Boss’ problems (if the Old Woman “let” me.)  But at what cost to me?

So HAD I really gotten it? Or this was a test to see if I had actually made the internal shift needed to so I could go to the next level of my destiny?

Isn’t that what I had been promised over and over again this past year?

I just couldn’t do it.  My head, my heart and my gut wouldn’t let me. So I picked up the phone and called my husband, telling him what was on my heart.  If it were just about money – I would go.  But not for long and not because I wanted to.  That seemed unfair to The Boss, as well, paying me to be a short timer.

He totally got it.  So I hung up, made one more call and chose ME.

When I went to see The Boss yesterday to pick up my pay, The Old Woman wasn’t there and we had a chance to talk.  It sounds like my decision was a disappointment to her as well, and maybe – just maybe – she’s feeling guilty about things.  The Boss admitted he didn’t tell his mom all the reasons why I wasn’t coming back, so I encouraged him to do so – in a nice way, at the right time.  She needs to know that her actions and her words were not only why I didn’t want to come back, but  were jeopardizing her son’s business as well.

Speaking our truth, in a loving manner, may hurt someone’s feelings but we can’t let that stop us.  Not when we know deep in our heart that a change for the good must be made.  I feel for him.  She’s his Mom.  But she is also an employee – one that really isn’t doing her job the way it needs to be done, and it’s taking him down. She’s 80.  It should be okay for him to ‘retire’ her.

We agreed that we would keep the communication lines open,  and who knows? There might be something there for me down the road AFTER The Old Woman has her moment of enlightenment. And maybe – just maybe – The Boss will chose himself and the welfare of his business over protecting his mother’s feelings.

I’ve felt good – GREAT – ever since.  I feel energized again.  Full of hope and anticipation.  I let go of What Was – and an entire old way of being in the world –  so that Something New has space in my life.  And it’s possible that by deciding not to sacrifice myself and my dreams, by putting my well-being at the front of the line, I actually did fulfill my purpose there.

I chose me.

Now, maybe the nice Boss Man will to do the same.