When Victims Speak


You’d have to have been living deep in the Amazonian rain forest not to have heard about the meltdowns currently taking place in Hollyweird and Washington, D.C…..two of the most corrupt, degenerate geographical locations in all of America, in my opinion.

Harvey Weinstein.  Anthony Weiner.  Kevin Spacey.  Roy Moore.  George Takei.  George H. W. Bush.  Mark Halperin.  Louis C.K.  Andrew Kreisberg.

The list of the accused is, literally, endless.

There’s nothing new about  sexual abuse.  What is “new” is the current climate that is facilitating the “outings” of the abusers themselves.  Long over do, the drama we’re seeing represents only the tip of the iceberg.  Continue scratching beneath the glamorous surface of the entertainment industry, for example, and one will find a literal hell of pedophilia, sex trafficking, and every form of depravity possible.

My own journey as a sexual abuse victim started when I was about 12. Oh, the awkward days of newly forming breasts!  I remember how painful my baby boobs were, and how embarrassed I was that these not-quite-bra-worthy  buds showed under my t-shirts.   The end of my innocence came at one holiday gathering when my Uncle Jim, deep in his cups, decided to impart some of his vast wisdom to me.  Leaning over, he tweak one swollen nipple and said, “This is all the boys are going to be interested in.”

I was shocked, embarrassed and ashamed.  No one else noticed his impropriety, being greatly in their cups as well, and turning, I ran from him.  I never told my mother.

As I grew older, sexual predators grew bolder.  At 16, I was explicitly propositioned by the fathers of two of my closest girlfriends  (emphasis on the word “explicitly”).  One  groping me as well.  Then there was the guy who ran the hamburger joint I worked at.  He was an ugly SOB with one milky eye, a body like Jabba the Hutt, and a connection with the towns’ mobster – Freddie The Leg Breaker.   When his propositions didn’t work, he tried insults and shame:  “You’ll never be good for ANYTHING but sex.”

I didn’t tell that, either.

Working in primarily male dominated industries, I literally “grew up” having to deal with inappropriate behavior at the hands of men.  There were lewd photos left on my desk, suggestive  “jokes”, and bold comments about my looks or specific body parts.

In my late 30s, I became the focus of a very powerful man who ran the Silicon Valley company I worked for.  He was the President and I was his assistant. The previous President, a man I had also worked for, got drunk at a company dinner dance and attempted to grab and kiss me in front of everyone.  That was NOTHING compared to the new guy.  Because he traveled the world, he would call me at all hours of the day or night under the pretext of ‘business’. He was married but SO UNHAPPY (aren’t they all?), he explained, and just wanted to talk to me.  His pursuit was relentless. Towards the end, he even tried to bribe me into leaving my job to become his mistress, offering a quarter million dollars in cash, an paid-for apartment and college funds established for both my children. As a single mother of two, making maybe $35,000 a year, the offer was tempting.  For about 60 seconds.

I never told Mom OR Human Resources.  I didn’t report him because (a) I knew the company would protect the Wunderkid at all costs (and would crucify me in the process) and (b) I REALLY REALLY needed my job.   I had kids to support. Thinking back, would I have done it differently?  Probably not.

I was too afraid.  Much like the women who are just now telling their stories, 40 years later, I imagine…

And it wasn’t just the workplace.  Twice in my 20s I thought I was going to be raped – once by a stranger who broke into my house and once by the roommate of a friend where I was staying the night.  Then there was Bubba.

Bubba (his real name was James) was a good ol’ boy from Southeast Texas who was almost like a member of our family.  He and my mom had grown up together, and I had grown up hearing wonderful stories of their childhood.  Bubba was  like an uncle, up until the day he attempted to stick his tongue down my throat at a wedding reception.  Then he became just another jerk.

I didn’t tell Mom about that, either.

I’m not exaggerating when I say every single woman I know has an experience of sexual abuse to share…..women who have been held hostage, raped, abused, beaten.  And not one of us ever went public with our stories.  We confided in each other and, later, our therapists.  We held our tongues, and dealt with it, each in our own way.

Now, in 2017, things seem to be changing.   How brave the women  (and men, like Cory Feldman and Anthony Rapp) for coming forth with their stories.   What courage!  When one woman stands up and speaks out, as we have seen, she emboldens others to do the same.  Collectively, as women, there is tremendous vindication when even ONE sexual predator is tried and found guilty of his crimes…NOT in the court of public opinion or social media, but for real.

A sexual abuse survivor who speaks out is a harbinger of strength and justice for all.  ALL of us, who number in the hundreds of millions, who kept silent for our own reasons.  The thing is, I’m  not sure the world is ready for the shear number of us, if we ever did ALL speak out.  1 in 5 women alive has been a victim of sexual misconduct.  Which makes me I wonder….

Do 1 in 5 men have his own story to tell….. of being an abuser?

Or of being a victim?

2 thoughts on “When Victims Speak

  1. At the back of my mind, I am always afraid for my granddaughter who is pretty and whose boobs are starting to develop at 5 years old. She has a lesbian nanny and a brother who is 8 yrs. of age. I can’t help thlnking if she is also experiencing sexual abuse. I am just glad that she is quite talkative and probably would tell on anybody doing bad things to her.

    It wasn’t much of a problem for me in my youth as I was skinny and tomboyish, although as a teen, there were innuendoes, too. What do they get out of it, anyway?

    Like

    • Boobs at 5!?!?! Dear Lord. I completely understand. May she always be protected.

      You ask a good question. I supposed there are 100 answers to that. One, I believe (and my final sentence alluded to) is that victims tend to victimize others if they don’t go through some sort of healing process.

      Liked by 1 person

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