The “job search” continues. About 40 resumes have been emailed since my lay off last month. On most days, I cruise CareerBuilder and Monster, possibly Craigslist, looking for a couple of new opportunities. I’ve submitted a bunch of applications directly online at company websites. I updated my LinkedIn profile . I registered at CalJobs. So I’m legit.
(Side note: I made an interesting discovery: I’m now considered “disabled” in the job market, because of having a past diagnosis of cancer. Me? Really?)
Anyway, I’m doing all the right things – mechanically….
But my heart isn’t in it. Far from it. The thought of returning to the 8 to 5 grind, sitting at a desk in an office all day, just doesn’t excite me in the least – no matter how “awesome” the work itself was. Even thinking about it, I start feeling stressed out.
Since this whole crazy trip began a year ago, I felt Something New calling to me at the end of my breast cancer journey. Something so totally different, I wouldn’t recognize my life at first. I believed this message with my whole heart….as in a “God Told Me So” way. It helped me get through 4 months of chemotherapy. It kept me going through 35 days of radiation. It was my LIGHT at the end of long, black tunnel. Daily I would affirm I could “do it” knowing “that” is waiting for me!
So applying for the same type of a job I’ve done for 4 decades feels grossly at cross purposes. However, much like voting in the Presidential elections in November, it’s a necessary evil. Especially when my heart is saying, “Oh hell NO! Not this shit again!”
But I do it, to do the right thing with Unemployment. I do it out of habit, a bit, too. But more importantly, I do it because I trust that the Universe is directing my steps. Each and every one of them. I believe there are doors with my name on them, and they will open at just the right time, in just the right place, for my next career move. That is….IF they open.
What if they don’t? I haven’t received a single call from any of the places I’ve applied. A ton of calls from recruiters, staffing agencies and insurances agencies to be sure (is Insurance the new MLM scam? What is up with them calling??) But not a peep from the people I’ve sent my info to. And that reminds me…
Closed Doors are answers, too, aren’t they?
That new life? The one I was promised? Maybe it doesn’t include a job like that at all! Maybe that was the end of an era, as much as the end of a job.
Could it be I’ve actually (finally) arrived at those blessed years called “retirement”, quite by accident and certainly not in a way I was prepared for? Could this be it?
Closed doors are answers, too. What shows up IS the ‘answer’!
The other day I had an “aHa!” moment. Take the whole B.C. issue away. Just looking at my life, I realize I now have so many things I prayed for, for years and years. All through the baby years. All through the junior high and high school years. All through marriages, divorces, births, deaths. Now I have them, and all because I now have time.
TIME: Oh, blessed time. It makes me giddy thinking about all the free time I have! These days when I’m enjoying my quiet time or putzing in the morning, I don’t have to stop what I’m doing to get ready for work! Sure, there’s the odd appointment now and then. But by in large, I determine the times for those, for when they suit me. I’m FREE! No one to answer to. No one expecting me to be at their beck and call. No resentment, frustration, stress. I have all the time I need take walks, to cook, to read, to spend time with girlfriends, to take classes. To NAP!
I have TIME to live and it’s fucking incredible!
No longer chained to a desk for 40 hours a week, my body is THRIVING on the movement it gets every day. (who knew I naturally have a waistline and a little junk in my trunk!)
No longer having to report for duty at 8 a.m., whether or not I slept the night before, the dark circles under my eyes are gone and I look younger.
I don’t have to worry about missing work to take care of my grandson. I can visit my elderly mom during the week. I can cook up something for dinner earlier in the day, to have it all ready before I run out of steam. I can have lunch with a friend at the spur of the moment, or attend a morning pottery class, or read a great novel. My garden looks well tended. My home is maintained. I can rest when I’m tired, and eat when I’m hungry.
TIME – Rather than trying to squeeze my “real life” into stolen moments allowed around working My Job, my real life IS my life. And I gotta tell ya. It’s taking some getting used to…this feeling of relaxation about my days, this easy flow, but I am. I’m finally catching on I’ve had a paradigm shift like having a kid is a paradigm shift. Everything changes.
I am becoming that butterfly. FINALLY! The free one. The one with the beautiful wings. The one that moves with ease and grace through her days. I’m just getting my coordinates, and I hardly recognize myself. But it’s time.
This is it.