Oh, What A Tangle


Spider WebWhile out for a walk yesterday, I spotted this spider web from across the street strung and had to go check it out.   Strung up over a neighbor’s unused back gate, it was HUGE – 2 feet tall at its widest point – and, from the looks of it, it’s been there awhile.  While I shudder to think about how BIG the spider might be that made this, it would totally make a great prop for a haunted house.

Nature is already decorating for Halloween and I’m digging it!

The web holds a certain beauty for me.  A certain fascination.  There’s the obvious hole where, perhaps, a bird flew through it or a rock was thrown.  There are the thin sections tightly strung and precisely uniform, and then there are others that look like Mama decided to get busy after a few dirty martinis with the girls.

Something to remember: Friends Don’t Let Friends Spin Drunk.

Friends…. a topic I’ve been thinking a lot about recently.     This breast cancer journey I’m on A couple of love bombshas taught me SO much about friendships.  I’m a Facebooker, and it’s been miraculous and astounding how my friends – some who I’ve never met in person, and others that I haven’t seen in years – have circled around me with support, encouragement and love.  I am still, 9 months after my diagnosis, periodically receiving cards and gifts in the mail – the latest one just a few days ago.  I like to call them Love Bombs and they always show up right when I need a boost.  Without a doubt, I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am if it weren’t for these people.  They hold space for me like I’ve never experienced, and I don’t know how I can ever repay them – except to be strong. battle on and help as many others as I can along the way.

But it’s not all been Love and Light.   I now have an Ex “Bestie”.  Yeah, that happened a month ago.  But it wasn’t a complete surprise.  I’ve known something was afoot for months …since April, in fact.  It began after it turned out HomeGirl wasn’t going to be there for my first surgery due to vacation plans with her kids.  The same thing happened for my second surgery a month later.  And even though I told her I understood,  she swore she would “be there for me 24/7” when I started the hardest part of a hard journey, the chemotherapy.  She wasn’t.   So, I made other arrangements.

Anyway, back in April I felt her pulling away from me. We never did talk on the phone much  (something I particularly dislike about the Texting age), and so when her texts started to come less frequently, and her interactions on my Facebook page all but vanished, and our visits grew farther apart, I just “knew”. A huge Red Flag went off inside of me when she was 30 minutes late for a lunch date – something that never happened before in all the years I’ve known her.  It wasn’t a matter of a busy schedule – it was her day off and she was at home.  It’s just that she just didn’t leave her house in time to be on time, and THAT spoke volumes!

HomeGirl stopped sharing important moments in her life in that “you’re the first to know!!” way we once had, and what texts I did get were shorter and shorter.  The last one – in response to my lengthy apology for having to cancel our visit for the next day because I was feeling too sick from Round 3 – was all of two words long.  Two.  “OK, thanks!”

And I haven’t heard from her since.

My daughter and husband have borne witness to my tears and my confusion over the last several months as I tried to deal with her “withholding”.  I remember early on thinking, “She’s going to find some “issue” to get pissed about so that she can feel justified in ending our friendship.”  And sure enough, that is exactly what happened.  Maybe I didn’t make my journey enough about her.

Guilt does funny things to a person.  So does jealously, insecurity and resentment.  She broke up with me once before, as some who are long time readers here might remember.  It was about 6 years ago.  But unlike last time (which was also without warning), this time I won’t go after her.  Last time, I would periodically email her to see if I could find out what had happened so we could work things out.  This went on for 3 years.  Not once did she tell me why she ended things.  When we did finally reunite about 2 years ago, she said – both of us with tears in our eyes – that she couldn’t remember, and swore we would NEVER break up again.

Today, after being the victim of her Scorpion sting for a second time, I’m calling BULL SHIT.  What kind of person ends a sister-like friendship, pushing away all attempts at reconciliation, over something so unimportant they can’t remember it? For THREE years?

Sheesh!  I’m laughing at myself here. Wake up, Grace! Why I didn’t see this before, I’m not sure.  I do know that – in the past – I’ve tried for too long, giving up too much, to make certain relationships work.  I don’t hold grudges, and I am a huge believer in Second Chances.  But not today.  Not any more.

I am changed in ways I am only now seeing.  Why would I WANT someone like this as a friend?  Why would I go after someone who intentionally tries to hurt me with the things she says, as seen in some recent Instagram posts (thank the Social Media Gods for the “UNFOLLOW” button!)

The truth is, I don’t.  Someone like that doesn’t belong in my circle.  We obviously don’t Vibe in the same frequency any more.  After looking a little deeper at “us”, I realize we don’t really share much in common any more, and it’s possible that much of what was holding our friendship together was “What Was”, not “What Is”.

Come to find out, after doing a little Googling around, that there are other women out there who have lost a Bestie while fighting breast cancer.  Who knew?  One would think that at a time like this, relationships would grow closer…that these BFFs would step up like never before.  But sometimes, unfortunately, they don’t…and they bail. Who knows why this happens. Maybe the Bestie is scared or can’t cope, or feels left behind in the whirlwind of surgery, treatment and doctors appointments.   Whatever the reason, it happens and it can be devastating.  The cancer patient feels abandoned in their time of greatest need.  Betrayed and let down.

Most of all, they feel unloved.

Thankfully, I know – and can feel – the great circle of love around me.  I’ve never gone without support and concern.  Turns out there is always someone waiting in the wings to help me.  These people are in my life at this time because they are the Right Ones for Right Now, and I am so grateful for their presence.

Another lesson learned: What is REAL will last and everyone who is meant to be in my life is still here, with more friends added all the time.

Author: Janece

After nearly 6 decades, my list of “labels” is pretty long. Wife. Mother. Grandmother. Friend. Breast Cancer Sur-Thriver. Creative. Light Bearer. Shadow Dancer. Seamstress. Foodie. But the most important thing I would like to be remembered for is for being an Encourager. For helping others to face their own difficult challenges with courage, faith, humor and hope.

10 thoughts on “Oh, What A Tangle”

  1. When I was reading the first part of this blog I thought perhaps she is scared – of not knowing how to ‘be there’ for you. But it seems from a prior break up that this is not the case. Though there is the old adage (I think it’s from marriage advice but it could apply to all relationships) -“In a year’s time, will this be important?” and perhaps that explains the 3 year forgettery. I’ve only known you about a year so I don’t know why she broke up with you last time But it is true that as we grow, we can grow apart from others, as well as together. Maybe she needs you more than you need her (but neither of you know it) and she’s just not ‘being a burden’ to you now because she is needy and you are not in a position to give.
    I have a friend who is very needy and whose actions I don’t always respect, but there are good bits to the relationship. It is definitely a case of my friend needs me waay more than I need this person. I sometimes wish there were a reason I could ‘take a break’ from this friend, but it is unlikely to happen. If my friend were to cause an unreasonable argument then bow out, it would hurt in some ways, but also I would know I had been a good friend, and now it is time to move on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. :) Yeah, like I said…I don’t know why she did the first time, either. Whatever the reason then, I have a sense about the reason now and it’s not that I did anything in actuality. I have been a great friend and given far more into the relationship over the years than she has. It’s really all her own Shadow Dancing. And the more time that goes by, the more I am aware that we have – indeed – grown apart. And I’m good with that. :) I’m sorry about your own friendship….maybe there is a way to take a break without ending the relationship?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There probably isn’t. It is what it is. I just have to learn how to not entangle myself so with other similar people, and recognize that sometimes a) we have to pay it forward and b) we all go thru needy phases, some for longer than others.

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  2. I agree with @Skyscapes above, some friends are needy and unable to give when needed. Luckily your life is filled by others so her inability is her loss and despite only knowing you from the blogging, I can say she is missing out a great deal!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, doll. :) I appreciate that. I think she’s missing out, too! LOL But looking back, I can see that we have been drifting apart for quite some time. And it’s ok. I am open to having her space filled with someone else who is more in alignment with who I am. :) xox

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  3. Some people aren’t emotionally equipped to handle the roller-coaster of life. Maybe she fears losing you so she created distance pre-emptively. Maybe she has a thousand other “reasons” that she herself doesn’t even realize. As painful as it is, I’m grateful–for your sake–that she stepped aside so that someone more fitting can step up. You need some one wild of eye and firm of grip to be your roller buddy. People of half-measures aren’t crazy enough for MY Grace. Send me your address via email. I have just the love bomb for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re the BOMB! :) Thank you….and interestingly, unlike last time, I am not “suffering” over this – a good indication this was really how it is meant to be. We really don’t have that much in common any more…I’ve grown in a much different direction. Will send you an email here shortly. Thank you, sweetie! xox

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  4. I don’t understand Grace , why during difficult and life-changing experiences friends come and go…maybe it’s the energy shifting between the two hearts that unsettles one (or both) and it’s an opportunity to let go. What I REALLY don’t understand is how we find it so challenging to say that in gentle -as -loving -as -possible terms? How do we tell someone their change or my change doesn’t reflect one another’s hearts anymore?? I dunno…
    (((hugs))) to you long-time blogger :)
    Connie

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  5. Reading all of this Grace suggests you are best rid of your so called friend.. Her history of none support is apparent and I am so pleased you have awoken to letting her go once and for all.. And you are so so right in saying those who are meant to be in your life are.. And they are right now standing by your side..
    You know I was amazed as I clicked onto your post, seeing the spiders web.. having just posted numerous photo’s of webs in our allotment. ..
    Remember you are the centre of your web.. we connect to many via the threads we weave in life.. each one tugs at our hearts.. You would do well to look up the Spider Totem. a good one is Here
    http://www.spiritanimal.info/spider-spirit-animal/
    And you will see the traits you have.. :-)
    It’s time to let go of those attachments that drain us.. :-) and concentrate upon repairing your own web, and attracting only positive people within your Clan :-)
    Love and Blessings to you dear Grace..
    Hugs <3 Sue

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