Standing outside at 3:00 am this morning, I basked in light of the gorgeous full Leo moon that hung in the sky, a single perfect pearl against a black velvet. How ironic is Life, that something so beautiful and awe inspiring could be part of the same 12 hours that contained the Inconvenient Truth handed to me by my doctor: The biopsy from last week showed Ductile Carcinoma.
That we unexpectedly had my 6 year old grandson for the night was a blessing in disguise. My daughter, suddenly struck with a fever of over 103 Sunday night, needed to go to the Emergency Room yesterday. So my husband picked up our Little Man to stay with us for a couple of nights while Mommy gets better, even though he wanted to stay with me in a show of support. I told him that if he really wanted to support me, he needed to do this rather than sit in the waiting room, waiting.
I explained to him that everyone has their way of dealing with nerves and me? I always do better when I know my family is OK. So begrudgingly, he hit the road.
By the time I was done with Biopsy No. 2, my grandson was fast asleep in the passenger seat looking like a sweaty little angel and completely at peace. As we pulled out, Mr. Man looked in the rear view mirror and asked how everything went. I just mouthed the words “It’s cancer”, and turned to stare out the window. We would discuss details later.
So, there it is. I have an appointment with a surgeon on Thursday and will get more information on the process then.
There is some good news. I feel myself rousing from the lethargy that’s held me the last couple of week, and just now, I can feel fire lighting up my veins again. The “waiting” is over, to a certain extent, and I can sense a rising up inside of me.
Yesterday was Imbolc. For some reason, this – and the Goddess Brigid for whom this special festival day is connected – seem important. There is a message here for me, even thought I don’t know anything about either. I can feel it. This feeling came to me this morning, after my moon gazing and while I was praying. As I moved through my prayers, talking first to Jesus, and then my Father, I suddenly found myself praying to the Great Mother, the feminine face of God. It was completely instinctual and seemed very appropriate. A sense of fierce calmness came over me. A sense that the both the Warrior and the Healer inside of me were waking. I’m not “there” yet. I know I have many miles to walk on this journey before it’s completed. But I feel strengthened by the symbolic messages of Love that the Universe arranged for me yesterday.