Shhhhh……don’t tell The Boss, but I’m playing hooky today. And while I have to use some much valued vacation hours to pay for it
No, I don’t have a hangover.
See, after a half dozen weeks of high stress/low sleep, my body and emotions said,“oh hell no!” when it was time to get ready for work this morning. Thankfully, the situation that’s been taking up space in my head since July came to a positive conclusion yesterday, and – break out the champagne! – life can resume normally. (Whatever that is!)
On the plus side, after years in Menopause Boot Camp, I’ve learned how to hold down a full time job while dealing with insomnia, worrisome “others”, and all of my other responsibilities and still manage to appear relatively together.
But only on the outside.
On the inside, I’ve been a fucking mess. You would think that after all these years, and all that Enlightenment, I’d be good at dropping the Good Little Soldier routine and just let my shit show. But no…I can’t. I won’t.
Right or wrong, true or false, I believe that if I have a melt down, “they” will freak out. If I fall apart, “they” will, too. Who will keep it All together if I don’t? It’s my job – my mission, even – to make those in my care (three generations worth) to feel at peace, and that It’s All Good.
So I do what I have to do. I put on a stiff upper lip, pull up my Big Girl Panties, and get on with the business of taking care of business.
Only when the Crises has passed do I allow myself to fall apart, and almost always in the comfort of my own home when no one else is looking. Hence, the need to take a day off – because even though The Man knows, he doesn’t know. Only Those that see my midnight tears, and hear my 3 a.m. prayers, really understand.
Oh, it’s not like a few close friends weren’t in on what was going on. They “got it”, and prayed and supported me. Thank God and the angels for them. But there is a limit to how much another person can realistically be there in our dark moments. There are just some Valleys of Shadows that we have to walk through by ourselves.
And while I can pray and let go and believe and all that happy crap, Being Strong can be a very scary, exhausting, lonely road.
Some of you will know what I’m talking about.
Time to shower, have a good cry and take a nap. Truly, I have so much to be thankful for! Why, in just a hand full of hours I’ve got a Girls Night Out to get ready for. I’ll be attending a special cocktail and discussion reception prior to the closing night of “Twelfth Night” at one of our local theaters. It’s set in the 1920s flapper era. How fun does that sound?
By then, I’m sure I’ll look fabulous! Why, my outfit is all picked out, some makeup will hide the dark baggy circles, and I’ll be all smiles. No one will be the wiser that I’ve just finished a trek through hell because
It’s Show Time!
*note: The photo above was taken a couple of weeks ago on a very special day. My future daughter-in-law invited me to go with her entourage to look for a wedding dress! Yes, my son is getting married next March and I couldn’t be more thrilled. That’s my hand with the turquoise ring and age spots, and FDILs is next to it on the right. :) And while I didn’t take the photo, I brought the champagne and glasses to toast the occasion, with four generations present. Yes, so very much to be thankful for….and here come those tears!