Being Home


It’s Monday morning, and I’ll soon be getting ready to head out to begin another week at the office.  You’d think that after spending most of last week at home in bed that I’d be happy that I feel well enough to get back to “normal”.

I do, but I don’t.

I do in the sense that feeling healthy is far preferable to feeling sick.  For someone who is rarely ill, last week was an anomaly, and I’ve now used all but 1 of the 6 paid Sick Days I’m allotted for the year.  It’s only March, so you do the math.  My available “Mental Health” days  have just been drastically reduced.

But the truth of the matter is, I really would rather not go to the office this morning.  It’s not that I’m adverse to working, and it’s not because I don’t feel well enough.  It’s something else.  Something that being at home last week – mostly alone and mostly resting  (which in and of itself is something I haven’t done in forever) – brought to the forefront of my awareness in a huge way.

Whether it was the bed rest, the Downton Abbey marathon (I consumed every episode of all 4 seasons within about 4 days), or the simple pleasure of being in my own home for more than a weekend at a time, I am going back to the office  this morning different than I was last Monday.  I am a relaxed woman (I don’t believe I’ve clenched my jaw in days,  and those persistent knots in my shoulders are gone).  A refreshed woman.

This is the next card in the series of oracles that I am creating. It’s called, “Release”.

A released woman.

There’s a  softness in my being.  A lightness in my thoughts, my speech, and my attitude.  My words are coming back, much to my delight, and I feel a fresh wave of compassion and patience and love for those around me.

I feel soft in my belly.  Literally!  My belly is soft, not all tucked in tight like I was waiting to be punched in the gut. It’s as if I’ve returned to a much beloved and welcoming place after a long arduous journey.  A place where kindness and truth and grace abide.

Every now and then I wonder who I would be if I just had enough time to myself in the peaceful comfort of my own home. Time free from feeling driven by chores or tasks or projects.  Free from my job.

I think I know now.

I would be ME.  The “real” me,  the ME that I am when my energy is free from the toxic environment I’ve been working in for 8 years now.  And it is.  Toxic and dysfunctional, like a whirling shit storm that’s always whizzing by my head.  The Truth is:  My job has been poisoning my soul, and harming my body, in ways that only became apparent after being in the still quiet, the comforting arms, of my home.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I read this poem yesterday, and it touched me to the quick.  It blew on an ember that’s been lying in wait in my breast – a recognition in my spirit.  I AM one of the heavy-breasted cauldron keepers, a shape shifter, an Earth keeper, a Wolf woman.  And I want to weep this morning, and do even now as I write this, for the longing for a way to keep a hold of myself,  to better protect myself, from the ugliness that wears away at my soulbeauty 5 days a week.

And I pray.  I pray for Home.

I am dreaming back my sisters
Whisper-worn footfalls on the Temple steps
Skywalkers
Storm dwellers
Heavy-breasted cauldron keepers
Songweavers
Snake sisters
Darkmoon dancers

Labyrinth builders
Star bridgers
Fiery-eyed dragon-ryders
Wind seekers
Shape shifters
Corn daughters

Wolf women
Earth stewards
Gentle-handed womb sounders
Dream spinners
Flame keepers
Moon birthers

Come home sisters, come home

~Marie Elena Gaspar

12 thoughts on “Being Home

  1. Oh, Grace…this is beautiful. Your writing has truly returned and your voice is strong. Don’t you wish you could bottle this feeling and take a whiff whenever the work gets to you? Try charging a stone with this feeling and carry it with you.
    great post!

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    • Thanks, Selena! Yes, if I could bottle that feeling, I’d be able to quit my job in a heartbeat! :) haha I took your advise, and intuitively pulled a stone to wear today. I’ve got a nice large piece of amber on, and – It was perfect for today :) I also spent some time creating a white/green sort of “bubble” around myself – something I haven’t done in ages. And I still – 5 hours into my work day – feel a deep quietness in me. The clarity of my fresh “eyes” have seen where some boobie traps were laid, and I refused to engage. I even had one person walk by my desk (he and I have had trouble), and watched as his mouth opened and closed like a gulping fish. He apparently changed his mind about what he was going to say, and just smiled and said “Never mind.”. LOL

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        • Selena, I wanted to ask you a question and wasn’t sure if the live.com was the best email for you. I’m looking to buy a couple of herbal teas, teas I’ve never used before, and I want to make sure I’m getting them from the best source. I thought, no better person to ask than a witchy woman. :)

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  2. Oh dear one, how happy I am to hear how well tended you feel after a week at home. How sad to know you have to return to that toxic environment. I am going to claim, that somehow this year, there will be a way ‘away’ from this for you. May the Beloved hold you and protect you.

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  3. How I feel such love for you as I read this. Love for who you truly are. Compassion for the women who are bearing more than their hearts are meant to carry. You have such a gorgeous way of sharing your soul, and I have missed reading you. May SHE bring to you a clear path into your quiet self, into your Temple space. There is a circle of women who connect with this, surround you and hold you as you move into your ‘next.’ xoxo

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    • Thank you so much Jackie…I appreciate you and the others so much, and the words of encouragement. Over the years I’ve wondered why some of us seem “chained” to external work lives that we would change in a heartbeat, if we could. In a very unusual way, I felt God speak to me and say, “Listen, kid. I’ve heard you and I’ve seen your tears for all of these decades. But above all of the requests and pleadings for release, you have – above all – asked for MY will to be done in and through you. It’s easy to spend the day contemplating your navel, studying and sharing and binding love with others, in certain environments. But you are a WARRIOR, and I call you to something different – something more. I call you to be able to do all of those sames kinds of things out in the trenches…out in the battlefield. To be a light in the utter darkness. I don’t need another candle who wants to sit in a room full of blazing others….I need you to be Light where others don’t want to go.” It helped me feel better, even if I still wish I could be a stay-at-home lady. xoxox

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      • Oh yes, you are indeed a WARRIOR, my beautiful friend. There’s something so very comforting and sacred about those whispers we feel from the Divine. I love this for you, for us. xoxo

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  4. ((( Sorrow ))) Yeah, but you know that old expression about the two beasts inside of us? Trying to make sure I don’t inadvertently absorb any nourishment for the dark one. LOL :)

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