Busting Wide Open


fruit.jpg

…photo by Grace

Look at it. Isn’t it just amazingly beautiful? This tree is so plump with life, it just busted wide open – offering its juice-filled contents to anyone (or no one) who might pass by. After spending a few moments this morning admiring Her gift, I realized something.

I want to bust wide, too.

There is a scripture I love so much, Galatians 5:22-23. The Message gives it life like no other translation:

“But what happens when we live God’s way? S/he brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.”

Just reading these words this morning makes my eyes fill with emotion.  Let’s see if I can explain why.  It may take a few posts to do that.

When I disappeared from Blogland, I was on a Mission.   Frankly, I didn’t know who I was any more.  I didn’t know what I believed in. And I didn’t know where I was going. That was a very scary place for me! My emotional life was on a downward spiral, the likes of which I hadn’t experienced for a long long time. My head was full of facts and speculations, static and stress.  My heart was a pile of broken glass – grieving for something that never even existed in the first place. And – the scariest part – I was without an anchor spiritually. With all of my spiritual “seeking” and adventuring, I had somehow disconnected from the Source of all Life in such a way that I no longer felt I really knew It’s presence.  I was truly lost – and I found myself flailing about and raging, swinging at demons and screaming silently about injustices, all the time begging – truly begging – for Someone or Something to show me my way Home. For Love.

Two distinct things happened to assist me on my way back Home. One, I unplugged from the Internet (both literally and figuratively) and tossed out all of my spiritual paraphanalia.  And then, I hit my knees, and surrendered.  Everything.  To be perfectly honest, I was in such a state of confusion, I wasn’t exactly sure WHAT I was surrendering to.  But I did it anyway, as an act of faith born out of desperation.

Now I see that I surrendered to Love.

I spent the next couple of weeks Seeking the Presence that is both within me, and around me.  I cried great gulping sobs – pouring out my Heart to “Anyone” who might be listening.  All of the pain and hurt.  All of the feelings of powerlessness and broken dreams.  All of the fear and aloneness. And then, when I was too exhausted to cry anymore, I slept.  Rather than blogging, I wrote in my journal – learning to reconnect with my own Voice that sounds like God.  And I read foraciously.  When I picked up “The Gift of Change”, by Marianne Williamson, I was like a starving person handed a 3 course meal.

It was then that I came to realize that there is nothing I’ve ever pointed the finger about, that I hadn’t done myself to some degree or another, at some time or another, to one person or another.  There is no “me” and “them”.  There is only “Us”.  My problems – and my answers – weren’t ‘out there’ at all. They were all inside of me.  All of them – demons and Divine alike – that whole time.

Sometimes when the Light hits one of my personal Shadows, its painful at first.  A real  gutwrenching sort of painful.  I felt temporarily blinded by the shear power of the Illumination It had brought, after walking in the Dark for so long.  So I cried some more, this time with repentance, release and renewal.  And where I could, I made amends – then hit my knees again.  And surrendered again.

When I came up, I was a changed person.  I had fallen in love again with God, and began to love my self.  Peace ran like a river within me, and the joy of living in the Present Moment began to permeate my life.  My outer world began to change in the most wonderful ways.  And I felt hopeful and full of life.  Which was a good thing.

Because just short while later, I would experience the worst act of betrayal in my entire life.

13 thoughts on “Busting Wide Open

  1. Lovely post Grace. Thank you for sharing that with us. By the way…That pomegranate – it/*she* has a tiny “crown!” Did you notice that? See how the stemmy bit forms a crown at the top of the fruit? You have a tiny little Goddess pomegranate in your hand there…

    As far as your story goes – it sounds as though you have experienced some incredible realisations over the last few months or so. You seem to be in a much more peaceful place in your life right now. You know. I too have experienced some remarkable things throughout most of my life, and it seems as though my thirties are a period of blossoming for me.

    I no longer feel compelled to try to “understand” and “rationalise” my experiences anymore…I have given myself to a Higher Power…and I have come to receive and accept. This is powerful.

    Much love to you Goddess friend…xoxo

    Right back atcha, Goddess Friend xoxox. :) I love it that you saw Her little crown!! Isn’t that just the coolest? LOL Yes, I have had several very – impactful – experiences lately. “PEACE” is a good way to describe this place that I am in. And you are so right – not trying to logically ‘get’ everything is a part of that. Second to being yielded to a Higher Power :) We are on the same page, sweet – thankfully you are doing it at a much younger age! lol That means you’ll ‘probably’ avoid some of my mistakes. Your wisdom and grace are such a blessing to me….xoxoxox

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  2. I am **so** glad you’re back, and can’t wait to see you share.

    I’d offer condolences for your betrayal, but it sounds like you don’t really need them.

    (( Grace ))

    Oh!!! ((( LF ))) I’m SO happy to see you again !!! Thank you for stopping by. Hum – nope, no need for condolences (thank you for spelling that correctly for me so I didn’t have to! lol). I’ll write about it soon, but the “betrayal” was perhaps one of the greatest gifts I’ve received in a long time. Hugs, sweetie!

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  3. Oh Grace, the tears flowed reading this. Surrender is so powerful and so necessary to let go of the old and welcome in the new. Much much love to you, beautiful, powerful, Goddess xxxx

    (((( Simonne!!! ))) I’m so happy to see you!!! Thank you for stopping by – your Diva Presence in my life is a blessing!

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  4. it sounds as though you have been thru` one of life`s major trials..but you have come thru` it with a positive head on it seems. I am so glad you are back into writing here…all these people I have found in Blogland who have these lovely and very meaningful Voices make my life a little better…and you are one of them. So Thank You for coming thru` your trial, Strength & Love!

    ((( ceeque ))) Hiiii :) Thank you for stopping by again, my friend! I’ve missed you and all my friends here in the Blogworld! And thank you for your love and support! Yes, I have come through a passage of sorts and I’m so happy that my words can lend a little light to your world – as yours do to mine!

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  5. What a wonderful post, my Sweet Aries Sister! I’m glad you enjoyed the bit from my novel in my comment on your last post, and honored you would think to include it in your Wild Women section. Big fun!!!

    You truly are a New Creature…and it feels sooooo good, doesn’t it? Ahhhh…………(grin).

    You have just hit on the two most important things on the spiritual path. I always tell my Witch apprentices that they need to find a Patron Goddess or God…fast! It is essential to have an anchor for the soul. And Goddess/God is IT.

    Then I help them to discover that everything is life comes down to two related things…love and compassion. Love for all, compassion for all. That is why you will find me silent on posts that are ranting against someone or something. What does this accomplish? Nothing but bad karma, because there is no love/compassion in it, only judgement, and have we not done these same things ourselves at one time or another? Oh, YES! So who are we to judge?

    Now these lessons are sinking deeply into the DNA of this New Creature you have become. Your Faery Godmother’s joy for you knows no bounds (grin). I will be smiling all day thinking of you.

    And, of course, sending you bundles of faery xoxoxo!!!

    My sweet faery Godmother….your wisdom and support have meant the world to me during this time – and I consider you a GODDESS send! :) (btw, I use “God” as a generic moniker incorporating all that is divinely Masculine, Feminine and archetypal….I do plan to write about my experiences with individual Goddess energy SOON!!!) Funny you should mention DNA – I do feel very different – very changed – on a cellular level. I’m not perfected…which doesn’t exist anyway, I guess…but I have this sense that I will never be the same, you know? Some changes seem to stick forever. And I understand completely about the Karma thing….who am I to judge??? Those were my exact words just about a month ago – to the person who was used in such a powerful way in my life. Many more joyful hugs and kisses being sent your way from me!!!

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  6. Grace, thanks for stopping by. Your post is lovely and most heartfull. I felt like you had been reading my deepest thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing this amazing journey with you. I am in my early 50s and intent and gratitude are my constant companions.

    Blessed be!
    Rebecca

    Hi, Rebecca! I’m so happy you’ve stopped by and found something of worth here! Isn’t it wonderful how we are drawn together??? I’m beginning to think that 50 is the new FABULOUS! ;-) Blessings to you!

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  7. I found that place recently and now I’ve lost it again! My weird anxieties are reared up and I’m feeling very unpowerful in my soul this week. But the pomegrante’s crown brought a smile to my face. She is wearing her goddess-ness! I need to dust my crown off and put it back on!

    ((( OB ))) You can find it again! Think back to the steps that led you there…what were you doing? (or NOT doing?) what were you focusing on? who were you talking to? ALL of us have times when we feel weird and powerless – But those feelings – which, IMO are based on our thoughts – can be changed…they are only as real as we allow them to be. YOU have a deep well of peace inside of you….follow your heart back down that path. You’ll get there again! And we can support each others faltering steps when needed….Much love to you, Sister Queen!

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  8. Grace, your response brought tears to my eyes. I’m currently struggling with a personal issue that will test me again this evening and your words were very comforting to me. Thank you (and bless you) Grace. I think I saw that crown around here somewhere….oh there it is!!

    Oh! Let me wipe your tears… (((( OB ))) You look so lovely – so regal and poised and worthy – in that crown….filled with all Goodness and Light. Blessings to YOU – and you know where to find me if I can be of ANY support to you! xoxoxoxx

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  9. Amazing…. Grace, I read all of your recent post but this one….oh …what can one say…really?

    I was captivated by your honesty…I think we have all been there…confused ,bewidered, not sure which way to turn and then we just collaspe and surrender. Thank you for reminding me that we are all in this together… that not matter the age, race, creed or religion that there are universal experiences that create the product… A phenominal woman.

    Thanks,
    lacigurl!

    Thank YOU for your kind comment and your visit, Lacigurl! And I love the way you think – it’s phenominal! ;)

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  10. I’ve beeon one of those “hover-ers” here for the last week or so, but after reading this post, I feel compelled to respond. Thank you for sharing the wisdom that you have worked so hard for, cried and struggled for. I honor you for choosing…anything! Often we know, in that deep strong way of knowing, just what we need and yet we are afraid to strongly and solidly choose “it” above all over choices.

    And, too, as silly as it is, thank you for sharing that Scripture. As I struggle to find my own way to a Divinity that seems all about wholeness and health of soul, I’ve thrown out all things and words that feel Christian to me. Thank you for reminding me that I have engaged in one of those things that infuriates me…blind bigotry. I will remember, now, to hold tightly to all the words and lessons that serve me now, no matter where I found them!

    ((( Signmom ))) YES! Hold to what serves you and supports your growth and wellbeing, and ditch the rest….sounds like we have much to share on :) and I’m looking forward to having that opportunity now with you! Big hugs and THANK YOU for stopping by!!

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  11. sometimes it is when we are at the end of our rope and surrender that the light can then bathe us in Divine Love. thank you for your courage and vulnerability to share this. You experience and your thoughts on it bless me today.
    walk in beauty.

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  12. Joss…thank you for your comment. Reading this again – almost 4 years after I wrote it, helped me to ‘remember’ …we are both blessed.

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